Mulling something over

[treeskin]

sidhe612 made an interesting comment last time we talked on the phone; it's been floating in my head since, trying to crystallize. Let's see if this gets anywhere close.

A lot of our friends are poly, in one form or another. A certain group of our friends were beginning to explore poly, and it developed into a very long, messy crisis. sidhe612 suggested that perhaps part of the crisis came from the examples of poly practices he had noticed within our community. This made me think about choices By & I had made, and how they might look from outside our head space.

For instance, at Laid-Back Labor Day, 2002, I had a fling with one of the guys in our camp, and By took advantage of the time to enjoy one of our female friends. We both knew about the arrangements ahead of time, no big deal to us, much fun was had by all. And again, at the same event this year, By spent some quality time with friends of ours who'd made a long trip to see us, and I'd picked up a new "pet".

Now, of these four connections, only the one with Pet was a spur-of-the-moment, he's-cute-why-not sort of thing; and I've made an effort to build more of a connection with Pet since (hence my head cold this week). But I can see where the others, if you didn't pay attention to time we spent with the various people beforehand, could look like sport-fucking. (Yes, for the record, the first night with Pet was sport. )

So now, I'm wondering if we should change our behavior so our intent is more clear. Not just because of our friend who's having the crisis, but I wonder if others in our community are seeing the same things in our behaviors.


Something else our friend in the crisis hasn't seemed to catch is the concept of boundaries and permission. He's looked at both as control issues, and seems to me to be very defensive about them. He didn't notice, before my sport with Pet took place, that first I talked to Byron, then Pet talked to Byron--in public, in front of the whole camp. I've been told others in camp noticed, and applauded Pet's manners. But our friend doesn't seem to have caught the lesson that a few simple questions, and honest answers, can keep feelings from being hurt.

Guess I need to think some more.

Comments

[draco-kc.livejournal.com]

I like the way that was stated, too. Well done.

[noveldevice.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I've been thinking an awful lot about this over the past few months. The anti-veto crowd had never really obtruded on my consciousness and then suddenly they were everywhere, saying things that made me cry "No, no!" in aesthetic dismay, because the rhetoric they employ against limits and boundaries or vetos ignores the point of these relationship tools. They argue against what they perceive or believe rather than against what these things are.

Obviously I'm still in the process of developing my thoughts on the matter, but I'm starting to be able to first, state the problem and then form responses. This of course required me to really process intellectually my emotional ideas and beliefs about limits and vetos, which took some time. I think, however, that I've come to a greater understanding about how these things work, and why, and that has been very valuable for me personally, as well as providing me with a rational basis to counter the anti crowd's arguments.