Drama for everyone

[treeskin]

I have been asked by one of the participants to make my locked posts on the ongoing saga available publicly. While I can see that person's viewpoint, at least one other participant is not comfortable with that level of publicity, so I will further posts public, names disguised. Past posts I will send to the person who asked for them.


Had a nice long phone call with Y this evening. Partly to check on him, and partly to clear up a cryptic, but explosive, email I had received from X earlier in the day.

Apparently, X had asked for complete honesty, and got it. And was predictably very upset by what was said.

As far as the phone call goes, Y said some things I was hoping he would say, about how he screwed up and there was no justificaiton for what he did. About how he/they got to point they are now. About how X was trying to make a safe space (his words) to discuss issues each were bothered by. About how X agreed to work harder to fix some of his legal issues (a major sticking point).

And at the same time, a part of me has to wonder, how much was genuine, and how much was just what I wanted to hear? I hate being suspicious of my friends.

About the emails I received from X--let's just say they were typed at the end of long hours of emotional storms, and I don't know whether I should respond at all, or just leave it until X calms down again. They were harsh, and bitter, and asked questions I'm not sure I should even try to answer.

Not what I needed on an evening I'm spending by myself. Too much time alone to sit and brood.

Comments

[noveldevice.livejournal.com]

Oimoi. If you wanna talk, I'm here.

[treeskin.livejournal.com]

Think I crashed just a few minutes before you logged on last night. Woody was on IM last night, and was kind enough to let me dump on his shoulders for a while. And stubborn enough to cheer me up before I went to bed.

*shrug*

Everything I've got to say right now is in the post.

[sidhe612.livejournal.com]

Ow. Just read the e-mail. No - I don't have an answer. Yeah I f***** up. No - I didn't say anything to X after everything exploded. I was trying to get out of the way of emotional fall out and I don't know if I did or didn't do something I should or shouldn't have. *sigh* Australia anyone?

[treeskin.livejournal.com]

If you go, can I come with you?

Y told me she's been very upset since Thurs afternoon; I expect that the email you and I received was a symptom of that. I keep telling myself that. Otherwise, my defenses would be flailing back after that verbal bitch-slapping.

I did get another email from X late last night; much calmer. I need to think a bit more on what was said, but I will probably respond to that one.

How you respond is up to you. I might suggest, though, that X feels like she's only had one side of the story (Y's), and really wants to hear/read yours. I know that what X kept asking Y for, and finally got this week, was a complete reckoning of what and when. I'm not saying do tell or don't tell, but that's what X is asking for.

[sidhe612.livejournal.com]

well - my defenses have been trying to flail....I just keep telling them it won't really help. It might make me feel better temporarily - but not help. I assumed she was upset - I even figure that she has grounds to be upset.

What I want to know (it was asked to me)is what she'll do with my side of things? And what good will every detail do? I certainly didn't keep a log of when and where. I can give her facts - but if I give her anything about where I was emotionally I'll look like I'm trying to justify - which at this point I'm not. I'm not asking her to think I'm a victim - I'm an adult and made my own choices. Without where I was emotionally none of the insanity makes any sort of sense b/c usually I behave better than that. And as I've heard it put - a blanket confession won't help (*whispers* I'm not catholic!). So I'm not sure what I want to do - esp. after that little e-mail.

[treeskin.livejournal.com]

Like I said, up to you how you choose to respond.

I can see where X wants all the information; she's wired that way. I can see where you want to put it away and pull yourself back together, you're wired that way. I don't know where the middle ground is.

From last night's conversation with Y, I gather she's been told most of the facts, or as much as Y can remember. I think, and I will talk to X and try to clarify this, that the reasoning is as follows: Q won't talk to me, Q still has something to hide, what else has Y not told me........Please note this is pure speculation on my part.

That said, when By & I started giving X the facts that we had, bluntly, X was more approachable TO US. We've also started asking blunt questions to make sure we understood X's point of view. This may not necessarily work for you.

I just don't know, hon.

I think I need to sit X down and try to explain that we are not doing anything for you that we haven't done for X & Y (when he will listen). We're not trying to look at anyone as victim/oppressor. I just don't know how to say these things yet, and with X's mood as evidenced by the emails yesterday, it may have to wait a while.

[noveldevice.livejournal.com]

On the other hand--after the big bout of bitch-slapping X gave Q (Oh, it's all your fault, you reprobate whore, Y would never have done this) why should she think that Q will ever want to talk to her again? Q may be a bit more mature about this than me, but when someone does that to me, there is a certain amount with which I can deal, and after that, I will never talk to them or acknowledge their existence again. And this works really well for me, because after a certain amount of one flavor of stress, I get to turn it off and it never happens again.

You might suggest to X that perhaps it's not that she has anything to hide, but rather that she merely does not want to talk to X, especially about this, because X has damn sure had her say. Why give her the chance to have it again?

[treeskin.livejournal.com]

You might suggest to X that perhaps it's not that she has anything to hide, but rather that she merely does not want to talk to X, especially about this, because X has damn sure had her say. Why give her the chance to have it again?

As soon as I find a less abrasive way of saying that, yes. But if I tried to just repeat that to X as is, it would come out as an attack, because I'm still sore from those emails too. My first reading took those as an attack at me as well as Q; my rational brain says otherwise, X was writing in the midst of an emotional storm.

I'm not even sure if I'm supposed to respond to those or not. X was...well, demanding some kind of an answer about how we could "continue to befriend and support" Q (I think that's how X put it). I've tried to tell X that we're being just as supportive of X & Y as we are of Q, but X doesn't want to hear anything positive about Q, and I don't know how to work around or through that block. Dammit, all three are decent people with potential to be very very good people, who've managed to hurt each other deeply. I don't understand why it's suddenly not a positive thing for me to try to remain supportive of all.

Suggestions most welcome. I'm lost.

[noveldevice.livejournal.com]

Ranj has a take on this that is similar to mine. If X and Y are reconciling, what purpose does a "full confession" serve? None. None whatsoever, except as a chance for X to be dramatic over the "newly revealed" sins.

I think that Q would be extremely ill-advised to say anything--not because she's hiding something, but because it serves no purpose whatsoever besides adding fuel to the fire.

If X is writing in the midst of emotional storms this often, she needs to reevaluate the way in which she responds to information she has asked for. If she really wanted to know, she would be able to process the information maturely. Flying off the handle for being told the truth is an astonishingly immature reaction.

Note: assuring someone you "just want to hear the truth" and then going berserk when you hear it is the perfect way to train them to lie to you--even if they were initially inclined to be honest. If you can't handle honesty, at least be honest with yourself and admit that fact, and adjust your coping strategies accordingly. If you can't be calm and mature when presented with the truth, it is a bad idea to ask for it, and the people you do ask would be foolish to give it to you.

The thing that I think I have tried to stress above all else is that you do not have to be perfect and flawless to receive my full support; you merely have to be honest and display a willingness to learn. I have told this to Q a thousand times because I think she needs to hear it; maybe X needs to hear it, too.