Musings on family, and religion, and compromise

[treeskin]

Someone told me today that he thought that we should be true to ourselves, and if family (or other people around us) can't deal with the choices that we make for ourselves, that's their problem.

For the public at large, I agree with that. I'm not going to be so out as to wave a flag under everyone's nose, but I'm not going to censor discussion about my personal life if it comes up. I'm definitely out as pagan at work, and out as poly too, to anyone who's paying attention. (A couple of the guys have just flat asked, and gotten hvery honest answers. But they were also the ones who were amused by the answers.)

My family, though...I was raised in a close family, with everyone in each other's business, even though they pretended not to be. I was raised with the idea that family is family, and even though you don't agree with them all the time, you owe them a certain amount of loyalty because of that familial bond. It's the worst crime those folks can think of, to turn against family. (I say this because some of my relatives have done it. The feuds that developed from that are still running, decades later. It's not pretty.)

I chose, when I converted, to leave behind something my family considered essential to life: the church. Did they know, they would consider my choice not just a rejection of the church, but of them, even though I've spent the past 15 years trying to balance the two.

My compromise was to hide that part of my life. At first, this was fairly easy: hide a couple pieces of jewelry, a handful of books, and two or three gatherings a month. Recently, though, I've become a more active participant in the pagan community, and I don't want to hide it anymore. It's a big part of my life now. Nearly all of the important people in my life are pagan. I'm an officer in HSA, By's a committee head. We've helped put on the festival for years now.

I've tried, over the years, to ease some ideas into the discourse with Mom. She knew, fairly early on, that Camp Gaea was clothing optional. We finally told her that our Memorial Day "camping trip" was at a festival for hippies and artists (not entirely untrue).

But the important part, the part that makes it all meaningful...I don't think I can tell her, and still be welcome in the family. And I love my family. They've done a lot for me, over the years. But I've got to decide how much longer I'm willing to hide, and censor myself. And I hate the fact that I've got to make that choice.

Comments

[c3fyn.livejournal.com]

It saddens and angers me that so many of us must make this kind of choice. The thing is...why shouldn't the rest of the family be held up to the same standards you are holding yourself to? I mean, if family is so important to them as well, then they too should be willing to make adjustments and work at acceptance as well. It isn't fair that you (or any of us) should have to be forced, by bigotry and small-mindedness from those who say they love us, to lead double lives or risk censure. Ultimately it means a lie on your end, and smug complacency, continuing ignorance and intolerance on theirs.

*sigh*

*hugs*

[treeskin.livejournal.com]

why shouldn't the rest of the family be held up to the same standards you are holding yourself to?
I can only hold myself to those standards. I can't expect others to adopt *my* standards. Best I can do is choose companions who share my views and goals. Which doesn't help with blood relatives.

I mean, if family is so important to them as well, then they too should be willing to make adjustments and work at acceptance as well.
There's a voice in my head that argues that I chose the path, so I should be the one to deal with the consequences. And generally, that's how I've tried to handle things. After all, Mom didn't choose to have a daughter who walked away from the church.

I've done my best to the lies more sins of omission, than of tales spun. Which, I'm sure, lets Mom know that there's something going on, because I talk about being busy, but she never gets specifics.

I don't know. I've ben having dreams for a couple of weeks, about getting "the phone call" from Mom, where I find out I've been outed. I'm hoping it's just my subconscious being paranoid, and not something prophetic.

My Schpeel - If it makes any sense

[jettisonangel.livejournal.com]

This topic is always a difficult one. Thad and I are some of the lucky ones whose parents know our choice and accept it; are even tickled when they learn something new about it (not common in most Catholic or Methodist families). But one place it is not welcome is at my work.

While there are a handful that could care less. There are a couple that I choose to keep it hidden from, simply because I know they'll be judgemental. It's just easier to maintain the peace so I can enjoy my job. On every other level they are pleasant people to work with.

I don't feel censored or repressed though. It's not something I have to announce to everyone, or even change their ideas about. They, like me, can think what they want. It's not like I sit around and talk about it with my friends who are pagan either.

It is more complicated when it's your family. Because you do want them to accept you, the WHOLE you. Ultimately I've found that it doesn't matter if they know or not. My means to the same end don't change the fundemental beliefs that I share with my family.

I should mention that I'm aware your family is not mine. Maybe it's about finding your own comfort level with "lying". Is it worth breaking your Mom's heart and severing an otherwise rewarding relationship just to make yourself feel less guilty about keeping a "secret"? This can only be answered by you. That's the wonderful thing about being human! We have choices and forsight.

Hope this helped a little (not that help was what you were looking for).

Re: My Schpeel - If it makes any sense

[treeskin.livejournal.com]

You're right, I wasn't really looking for "help" so much as getting things out of my head and into print where I can focus my thoughts a little better. But I really appreciate the input.

you do want them to accept you, the WHOLE you
Or at least try. I spent much of my adolescence trying to be something I wasn't, trying to be the "normal" daughter my mom thought she should have had. And nearly drove myself crazy doing it--my friends caught me with a knife to my wrist, once or twice, and I'm not sure Mom ever noticed I was in that condition.

And, one this vein (ouch, no pun intended), Mom only knows one of the three biggest influences on my adult life--Byron. She doesn't know I was raped (in her house, even), she doesn't know I'm pagan. That's colored my life in so many ways, and I cannot think of a way to explain myself without touching on those things.

Is it worth breaking your Mom's heart and severing an otherwise rewarding relationship just to make yourself feel less guilty about keeping a "secret"?
A valid question, but first I need to ask myself how rewarding that relationship is these days. Mom's gotten much more conservative the past 5-7 years, and is much pushier about the church thing than she used to be. And that makes visits (and sometimes phone calls, too) more strained, at least at my end. Last time she came to visit us, we hid books. Me, hiding books! And a couple of them were merely political. When we visit her, we're all careful about what we talk about, rather than By & I saying something we shouldn't, and Mom seems to have figured out that some subjects are uncomfortable.

I don't know that there's anything I can do about it at this point. Years ago, when she was more open-minded, maybe. But not now.