Musings on family, and religion, and compromise

[treeskin]

Someone told me today that he thought that we should be true to ourselves, and if family (or other people around us) can't deal with the choices that we make for ourselves, that's their problem.

For the public at large, I agree with that. I'm not going to be so out as to wave a flag under everyone's nose, but I'm not going to censor discussion about my personal life if it comes up. I'm definitely out as pagan at work, and out as poly too, to anyone who's paying attention. (A couple of the guys have just flat asked, and gotten hvery honest answers. But they were also the ones who were amused by the answers.)

My family, though...I was raised in a close family, with everyone in each other's business, even though they pretended not to be. I was raised with the idea that family is family, and even though you don't agree with them all the time, you owe them a certain amount of loyalty because of that familial bond. It's the worst crime those folks can think of, to turn against family. (I say this because some of my relatives have done it. The feuds that developed from that are still running, decades later. It's not pretty.)

I chose, when I converted, to leave behind something my family considered essential to life: the church. Did they know, they would consider my choice not just a rejection of the church, but of them, even though I've spent the past 15 years trying to balance the two.

My compromise was to hide that part of my life. At first, this was fairly easy: hide a couple pieces of jewelry, a handful of books, and two or three gatherings a month. Recently, though, I've become a more active participant in the pagan community, and I don't want to hide it anymore. It's a big part of my life now. Nearly all of the important people in my life are pagan. I'm an officer in HSA, By's a committee head. We've helped put on the festival for years now.

I've tried, over the years, to ease some ideas into the discourse with Mom. She knew, fairly early on, that Camp Gaea was clothing optional. We finally told her that our Memorial Day "camping trip" was at a festival for hippies and artists (not entirely untrue).

But the important part, the part that makes it all meaningful...I don't think I can tell her, and still be welcome in the family. And I love my family. They've done a lot for me, over the years. But I've got to decide how much longer I'm willing to hide, and censor myself. And I hate the fact that I've got to make that choice.

Comments

[treeskin.livejournal.com]

why shouldn't the rest of the family be held up to the same standards you are holding yourself to?
I can only hold myself to those standards. I can't expect others to adopt *my* standards. Best I can do is choose companions who share my views and goals. Which doesn't help with blood relatives.

I mean, if family is so important to them as well, then they too should be willing to make adjustments and work at acceptance as well.
There's a voice in my head that argues that I chose the path, so I should be the one to deal with the consequences. And generally, that's how I've tried to handle things. After all, Mom didn't choose to have a daughter who walked away from the church.

I've done my best to the lies more sins of omission, than of tales spun. Which, I'm sure, lets Mom know that there's something going on, because I talk about being busy, but she never gets specifics.

I don't know. I've ben having dreams for a couple of weeks, about getting "the phone call" from Mom, where I find out I've been outed. I'm hoping it's just my subconscious being paranoid, and not something prophetic.