A realization
Jun. 3rd, 2004 09:55 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
treeskinI've been tring to get this into words for a few days, so
I mentioned earlier I had a very enjoyable encounter Tues morning with a friend. What I did not put in that post was that I managed to push off a panic attack before it happened. I've not been able to do that before--when that trickle of fear and hazy outlines started, I was just lost until it had run its course, minutes or hours (or days, once upon a time), however long it took. I'd freeze, especially during sex, and sit and shiver until it was over. It was initiated this time by a small thing, just a gesture (I STILL cannot abide hands around my throat) that I stopped, moved the offending hand, took a deep breath, and kept going. T noticed, but didn't ask about it until later (he had guessed the source, wise man that he is).
I'm rambling. But the simple fact that I could keep going, with someone that I am becoming comfortable with (rather than the warm fortress of Byron's arms) pleases me greatly. It makes me think I might be free of this, someday.
I mentioned earlier I had a very enjoyable encounter Tues morning with a friend. What I did not put in that post was that I managed to push off a panic attack before it happened. I've not been able to do that before--when that trickle of fear and hazy outlines started, I was just lost until it had run its course, minutes or hours (or days, once upon a time), however long it took. I'd freeze, especially during sex, and sit and shiver until it was over. It was initiated this time by a small thing, just a gesture (I STILL cannot abide hands around my throat) that I stopped, moved the offending hand, took a deep breath, and kept going. T noticed, but didn't ask about it until later (he had guessed the source, wise man that he is).
I'm rambling. But the simple fact that I could keep going, with someone that I am becoming comfortable with (rather than the warm fortress of Byron's arms) pleases me greatly. It makes me think I might be free of this, someday.
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(no subject)
Date: 2004-06-04 06:32 am (UTC)