A realization

[treeskin]

I've been tring to get this into words for a few days, so

I mentioned earlier I had a very enjoyable encounter Tues morning with a friend. What I did not put in that post was that I managed to push off a panic attack before it happened. I've not been able to do that before--when that trickle of fear and hazy outlines started, I was just lost until it had run its course, minutes or hours (or days, once upon a time), however long it took. I'd freeze, especially during sex, and sit and shiver until it was over. It was initiated this time by a small thing, just a gesture (I STILL cannot abide hands around my throat) that I stopped, moved the offending hand, took a deep breath, and kept going. T noticed, but didn't ask about it until later (he had guessed the source, wise man that he is).

I'm rambling. But the simple fact that I could keep going, with someone that I am becoming comfortable with (rather than the warm fortress of Byron's arms) pleases me greatly. It makes me think I might be free of this, someday.

Comments

[tnrkitect.livejournal.com]

I am so glad to hear this dear.

[treeskin.livejournal.com]

You and me both. I doubt I'll ever be "normal", but it's nice to have a milestone to point to and say, "see, I'm almost functional again."

It's weird, what you can get used to...I've forgotten what it was like to be touched and not be afraid, just a little.

[sdemory.livejournal.com]

Excellent! Good to hear definite progress.

[treeskin.livejournal.com]

*sigh* Yeah. It's not comfortable--too many memories floating in my head the past few days--but I think it's healthier in the long run.