Mulling something over

[treeskin]

sidhe612 made an interesting comment last time we talked on the phone; it's been floating in my head since, trying to crystallize. Let's see if this gets anywhere close.

A lot of our friends are poly, in one form or another. A certain group of our friends were beginning to explore poly, and it developed into a very long, messy crisis. sidhe612 suggested that perhaps part of the crisis came from the examples of poly practices he had noticed within our community. This made me think about choices By & I had made, and how they might look from outside our head space.

For instance, at Laid-Back Labor Day, 2002, I had a fling with one of the guys in our camp, and By took advantage of the time to enjoy one of our female friends. We both knew about the arrangements ahead of time, no big deal to us, much fun was had by all. And again, at the same event this year, By spent some quality time with friends of ours who'd made a long trip to see us, and I'd picked up a new "pet".

Now, of these four connections, only the one with Pet was a spur-of-the-moment, he's-cute-why-not sort of thing; and I've made an effort to build more of a connection with Pet since (hence my head cold this week). But I can see where the others, if you didn't pay attention to time we spent with the various people beforehand, could look like sport-fucking. (Yes, for the record, the first night with Pet was sport. )

So now, I'm wondering if we should change our behavior so our intent is more clear. Not just because of our friend who's having the crisis, but I wonder if others in our community are seeing the same things in our behaviors.


Something else our friend in the crisis hasn't seemed to catch is the concept of boundaries and permission. He's looked at both as control issues, and seems to me to be very defensive about them. He didn't notice, before my sport with Pet took place, that first I talked to Byron, then Pet talked to Byron--in public, in front of the whole camp. I've been told others in camp noticed, and applauded Pet's manners. But our friend doesn't seem to have caught the lesson that a few simple questions, and honest answers, can keep feelings from being hurt.

Guess I need to think some more.

Comments

[treeskin.livejournal.com]

maybe I'm just being unusually dense this afternoon [*chuckle*]</>
No prob. I'm fluffier than usual--I've been on cold medicine for two days straight. Last night's Nyquil still hasn't worn off completely.

I'd say about the only thing one can do is to freely talk about how you two go about dealing with such situations to those people who show interest or curiosity. You're not going to reach the people who aren't ready to listen.
I know, I know. I'm fussing too much. I just can't help reacting to the tickle in the back of my mind, that sidhe612's comment set off. Part of me can't help wondering if, while I can't really do anything about it, it might help to at least be aware that it exists.

While soxnboxrs and I have an open relationship, I really wouldn't consider us poly. [Probably the best way I'd have of describing us would be emotionally monogamous but sexually non-monogamous.] So, I think our perspectives are a little bit different.
True, but from what I've seen, you two seem very functional, and that takes honest communication, just like what By & I, and classics_cat & ranjtheobscure do. And well, some of our relationships outside of our primaries (speaking for By & I, anyway) have been more on the non-monogamy end of the spectrum than the poly end. Like the lady said, it takes the same set of skills. It may take less in-depth negotiation for the "sport" liasons, but you still need to set up the parameters of what's acceptable to you and your primary.