With enough distance, I can talk about anything

[treeskin]

Time is the greatest distance.

Some things that happened before Byron & I got together, we don't talk about. At all. He knows they happened, because he helped pick up the pieces afterwards, but I just haven't been able to tell the stories, and it's hard for him to hear them.

I'm getting better, though. I finally told him, last night, on the way home from Lawrence, that there's a house on Hwy 24, where I was raped almost 13 years ago. The boy who did it (that's what he was, then, my prom date) still lives in the area I think; his parents still live in that house. I think about it every time we pass the house. I knew it was close to where we live now, before we bought our home, but I just couldn't say anything.

Actually, By wasn't the only one I told last night. We'd been talking with our friend, T, & By was telling her that someone had made him promise to "make sure there were no witnesses" if he ever decided someone needed to not exist. (Long story there.) By also said he had a list, and that he's almost gotten one person on the list a few years back. And I found myself telling both of them that the individual in question was still in the area, and told By I'd point out the house on the way past. He seemed surprised. I was too--I was able to discuss it fairly calmly, without the shakes, or nightmares last night. Just a distant anger, and the beginnings of the urge to break things, but I'm good at squashing that now.

Funny what you can get used to--fear and panic atacks and bad dreams....If I'd refused that invitation, what would I be now?

Comments

stuff you said, stuff I said...

[ogungrrl.livejournal.com]

I remember when you talked about this the other night, but I didn't get exactly what you were talking about...I thought about asking questions, but sensed it was a sensitive area, so I didn't. I will never understand why people do such horrible things to each other. I don't know what else to say. Evil of this magnitude leaves me speechless, I guess.

Someday, I will get around to telling you about a (different but still bad) turning point in my life...and how your question in the last line of your post made my brain hurt when I read it just now. I think I have avoided thinking of certain things from this point of view, without fully realizing I was doing it. A related question would be: if you could go back in time and prevent painful experiences, would you? There is an idea in some world philosophies that each of us chooses, in general, who we will be and what we will do in life before we are born, but we forget all of that when we enter the world. Our job then becomes to have experiences that point us in the direction of the path we already chose. I think of it kind of like enrolling in a class, and then doing all the homework to really absorb the lessons.
In life, as in school, some of the lessons are not much fun, and it is sometimes hard to see why they are relevant, but they usually end up being part of the larger picture later on.

Food for thought if nothing else... Don't feel like you have to respond to this unless you really want to...mostly I'm using a lot of words to say this: hugs to you!

Re: stuff you said, stuff I said...

[treeskin.livejournal.com]

In general, I wouldn't change my life. The good balanced the bad. For this particular experience, I could have prevented it, and should have. This was a sacrifice to my pride. This was actually the second time I was raped, Apr 21, 1990....a week after my senior prom (which was the first time). Same guy--my prom date. I had planned to attend his prom in Basehor, and almost told my mom that I didn't want to go, but I didn't think I could have managed to tell her why. I knew what I was going to. This one time, I could have prevented it. I think I'd be saner now.

There was a third incident, my first semester of college. Also a date, a soldier, shortly before he was sent to Saudi. He just lost it, I guess. That was the one that broke my sanity.

On the other hand, I learned early on, through these lessons, that sex doesn't equal love.

After more thought

[treeskin.livejournal.com]

I think my original question ("What would I be...")was more out of curiosity than regret. It's something I've wondered about, from time to time. And now, when I'm beginning to realize that there's a lot more to me than this old, mostly-healed damage, I think that I might be closer to the person I'd expected to be, before that happened. Credit By's amazing patience for all that--the healing, and the realization.

You know what's funny? The realization came out during the long (uncomfortable!) talks he & I had during the end of his relationship with B. As you say, lessons to be learned.