Been thinking

[treeskin]

About friends, and former friends, and honor, and respect.

A while back, jdoryt posted an essay on forgiveness. That sparked questions in my mind about forgiveness, both for myself, and for people around me.

I firmly believe that some things are unforgiveable. Murder, rape, harming a child, betraying your word, burning a book--the usual things, I think.

I've become estranged from a couple of formerly close friends the last two years, because of this. I've talked with one of them, some; not enough to repair the damage, but it's a start. The other.....I just don't know. I realize I should have said something about the original incident when it happened, but at the time, we were very busy, and very tired, and I just didn't know what to say. That, coupled with a realization that this relationship had become very one-sided--well, I just allowed this person to drift away. Part of me feels like I should sit down with the individual, at least long enough to tell them why I've drifted away. Another part of me says don't bother, because they haven't tried to talk to me in the last two years, and they probably haven't noticed I'm gone.

Closer to home, reading Dory's post brought me to realize that there are some things I've never forgiven myself for. Being raped: no matter how many times friends tell me those three nights were not my fault, there's still a twinge of guilt in my mind. Especially about the second time....I knew what I was going to, and had I said something, refused to go, it would not have happened. But I didn't, out of pride, and fear of what my family would say. And that's what I can't forgive, now.

Comments

Re: relationships

[treeskin.livejournal.com]

You're right hon, but still, I worry. It's my nature.

And you're very right about the "final straw" level of fed-up-edness. That was exactly where By & I were two years ago. Since then, we've been looking at each other and asking "now what are we supposed to do?"

It'll happen when it happens, I guess. Good thought. I have more important things to worry about right now (see yesterday's post about my sister).

Re: relationships

[zerself.livejournal.com]

yup. it will.

i read that post...sounds like your family is going though a rough time with this...I hope that the might becomes clearer soon so your sister know's what she's dealing with, and i wish you all strength and calm in the middle of some hard news.

Re: relationships

[treeskin.livejournal.com]

Thanks, hon. I keep telling myself not to worry too much yet, because it's still a "maybe" until the other test are done, but my mom is usually the Rock of Gibralter when it comes to family crisis, and having her leave work early (which she almot never does) and call and emote at me that strongly...oy. My mom doesn' t realize how much she projects when she's at an emotional extreme--it's cool at the upside, she's a lot of fun, and those happen much more often.

As for the relationship issues, I think I've decided to let it ride (unless he comes to me and says something) until Heartland, and if he hasn't by then, I'm gong to try to sit him down and have a talk. It seems like a long deadline, but I know my schedule, and I know his work schedule is exactly opposite mine, which does hinder communication.