Been thinking

[treeskin]

About friends, and former friends, and honor, and respect.

A while back, jdoryt posted an essay on forgiveness. That sparked questions in my mind about forgiveness, both for myself, and for people around me.

I firmly believe that some things are unforgiveable. Murder, rape, harming a child, betraying your word, burning a book--the usual things, I think.

I've become estranged from a couple of formerly close friends the last two years, because of this. I've talked with one of them, some; not enough to repair the damage, but it's a start. The other.....I just don't know. I realize I should have said something about the original incident when it happened, but at the time, we were very busy, and very tired, and I just didn't know what to say. That, coupled with a realization that this relationship had become very one-sided--well, I just allowed this person to drift away. Part of me feels like I should sit down with the individual, at least long enough to tell them why I've drifted away. Another part of me says don't bother, because they haven't tried to talk to me in the last two years, and they probably haven't noticed I'm gone.

Closer to home, reading Dory's post brought me to realize that there are some things I've never forgiven myself for. Being raped: no matter how many times friends tell me those three nights were not my fault, there's still a twinge of guilt in my mind. Especially about the second time....I knew what I was going to, and had I said something, refused to go, it would not have happened. But I didn't, out of pride, and fear of what my family would say. And that's what I can't forgive, now.

Comments

[noveldevice.livejournal.com]

It wasn't your fault. And I know, you know I know, how little good that really does, to be told by other people. Sometimes, no matter how hard people tell you it's not your fault, you find yourself insisting harder that it is your fault, you did something wrong, you said something wrong. Because sometimes being responsible for something awful seems better than acknowledging that you're not always in control of everything.

But you know, sometimes you're not in control. Sometimes things happen to you because of bad choices other people made, and there's nothing you can do about that except go on. And you've gone on to be someone really extraordinary.

And I love you.

[zerself.livejournal.com]

I’ve been thinking about the idea of unforgivability since you first commented on my other post…that its been so cloudy in my head and I hadn’t gotten focused enough to sit down and write out what I thought about it. I think part of the reason is that I write on LJ at work, and thinking about not forgiving (especially myself) in an arena where I hold myself to such high standards probably isn’t a good mix. But it’s a calm day and I’ll take my brain there anyway…

I think something being unforgivable is entirely person dependant, not thing dependant. So, for me…its less about a generic group of actions (murder, rape, etc) than it is about the action of one person, my perception of their action, and my guttural reaction to it. Unforgivablity is about what I cannot forgive, of myself and others. Sometimes that’s not really a rational thing.

I completely identify with the situation about the couple you’re talking about…mostly because I left something like that behind me on the east coast. For me, its become more about not forgiving myself for not healing things, than it is about not forgiving them (if that makes any sense at all *grin*). In truth I don’t even remember what all the nastiness was really about most days. The farther away from it you get, the fuzzier it gets, until all that’s left is the unsettled slack tension of things unresolved. Is it worthwhile to sit down and talk it out now? I suppose that all depends on what you want out of it…in your situation (or what I’m guessing it is…), it all depends on if you want these people in your life, and to what degree. If far away (emotionally) is close enough, it may not be worth treading through to talk it over. Its hard to demand someone to take responsibility for their actions so that you can forgive them….especially if they’re still in process of figuring out exactly what they did. My lesson was that unresolved means you carry it. Anger is a heavy thing to carry...and as much as there is a point where you need to let someone go so you aren't carrying thier problems, is carrying anger about the situation any lighter years later?

I think that forgiving yourself is one of the hardest things to do. . . To really let something that you feel responsibility for go…to acknowledge either that you aren’t responsible for it (even if you feel guilt for it), or that you did the best that you could in a situation with the person who you were at that moment, or that you can’t change what happened, and therefore the best that you can do for the person you are now is to learn from it and leave that painful thing that you did (or in this case, that was done to you) in the past. The things I can’t forgive myself for are different than this thing that you can’t forgive yourself for but I wish it was as simple as forgiving each other for the things we can’t release ourselves from….I wish I could steal absolution from the Christians for a moment, and really feel it. Not for the sense of wiping sins clean (ick...) but more because i wish i had some higher power who could clean out nagging guilt that i don't want anymore.
I wish I could box it up and lend it to you before I returned it to a random confessional. I wish a lot of things.

You're a tremendous human being, and i love you muchly....

~ dory

[noveldevice.livejournal.com]

There is at least one person in the Whole Mess (you know what I mean) that I feel like I ought to feel obligated to try to reconnect with, maybe explain that it's hard for me to smile and act like I'm happy to be around people when I feel like I have to be on the defensive with them. But I just can't nerve myself up for that conversation.

I dunno.