Been thinking

[treeskin]

About friends, and former friends, and honor, and respect.

A while back, jdoryt posted an essay on forgiveness. That sparked questions in my mind about forgiveness, both for myself, and for people around me.

I firmly believe that some things are unforgiveable. Murder, rape, harming a child, betraying your word, burning a book--the usual things, I think.

I've become estranged from a couple of formerly close friends the last two years, because of this. I've talked with one of them, some; not enough to repair the damage, but it's a start. The other.....I just don't know. I realize I should have said something about the original incident when it happened, but at the time, we were very busy, and very tired, and I just didn't know what to say. That, coupled with a realization that this relationship had become very one-sided--well, I just allowed this person to drift away. Part of me feels like I should sit down with the individual, at least long enough to tell them why I've drifted away. Another part of me says don't bother, because they haven't tried to talk to me in the last two years, and they probably haven't noticed I'm gone.

Closer to home, reading Dory's post brought me to realize that there are some things I've never forgiven myself for. Being raped: no matter how many times friends tell me those three nights were not my fault, there's still a twinge of guilt in my mind. Especially about the second time....I knew what I was going to, and had I said something, refused to go, it would not have happened. But I didn't, out of pride, and fear of what my family would say. And that's what I can't forgive, now.

Comments

Re: absolution and church

[treeskin.livejournal.com]

We may be talking about different sects, then. The group I was raised in, according to my mom, was an offshoot of the Southern Baptists. Can't say as that's a definitive history, but that's very much the flavor of the group I attended. Very small, very insular, a bit "odd" compared to the Lutheran and Methodist and Catholic congregations which were the norm in that area.

The standing in front of the group and "witnessing" (I believe they called it) bothered me tremendously, and not just when my mom did it. It seemed much less about God and more about regaining/retaining the group's approval, and calculated to humiliate.

Something I know my mom did a lot when I was a kid, that seemed to be of more value, was to sit in the kitchen and pray, when my sister and I were in bed...pray that she could handle the upcoming two-three days' worth of crisis, and could God please take the rest for her until these things were settled first, ecause she just couldn't. She's told me in recent years that just the act of giving up part of the burden to someone else to watch, even for a little while, was a relief.

I'm not a scholar of church history, but I wonder if that isn't closer to the original intent of confession....to narrow the problems down to something you could handle.

Oddly enough, by the time I had a real problem and needed help (after I was raped the first time), what I'd been taught by the church was so condemning of women in my position, I couldn't bring myself to try my mom's method of prayer and solace. I had been taught, for so many years, that if something like that had happened to me, I must have done something to deserve it, further complicated by the fact that the first rape began as conconsentual sex, and got out of hand....that's when a friend pointed at goddess worship, thinking I'd find some kind of solace there.