Been thinking

[treeskin]

About friends, and former friends, and honor, and respect.

A while back, jdoryt posted an essay on forgiveness. That sparked questions in my mind about forgiveness, both for myself, and for people around me.

I firmly believe that some things are unforgiveable. Murder, rape, harming a child, betraying your word, burning a book--the usual things, I think.

I've become estranged from a couple of formerly close friends the last two years, because of this. I've talked with one of them, some; not enough to repair the damage, but it's a start. The other.....I just don't know. I realize I should have said something about the original incident when it happened, but at the time, we were very busy, and very tired, and I just didn't know what to say. That, coupled with a realization that this relationship had become very one-sided--well, I just allowed this person to drift away. Part of me feels like I should sit down with the individual, at least long enough to tell them why I've drifted away. Another part of me says don't bother, because they haven't tried to talk to me in the last two years, and they probably haven't noticed I'm gone.

Closer to home, reading Dory's post brought me to realize that there are some things I've never forgiven myself for. Being raped: no matter how many times friends tell me those three nights were not my fault, there's still a twinge of guilt in my mind. Especially about the second time....I knew what I was going to, and had I said something, refused to go, it would not have happened. But I didn't, out of pride, and fear of what my family would say. And that's what I can't forgive, now.

Comments

[noveldevice.livejournal.com]

It wasn't your fault. And I know, you know I know, how little good that really does, to be told by other people. Sometimes, no matter how hard people tell you it's not your fault, you find yourself insisting harder that it is your fault, you did something wrong, you said something wrong. Because sometimes being responsible for something awful seems better than acknowledging that you're not always in control of everything.

But you know, sometimes you're not in control. Sometimes things happen to you because of bad choices other people made, and there's nothing you can do about that except go on. And you've gone on to be someone really extraordinary.

And I love you.

[treeskin.livejournal.com]

*nods*

Sometimes, being able to just articulate what's been in my head, nagging at me, helps put it in it's proper perspective.

Other times, I feel less extraordinary, and more extraordinarily broken. For the record, today was not one of those days. Mostly mental housecleaning while I pruned things this afternoon.

Thanks, love.

[treeskin.livejournal.com]

It strikes me as odd that I think I feel it more now, than I did 10 years ago. Or maybe I acknowledge it now, and I didn't then. *shrug*