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Because the subject came up in the nightly phone call...
Original here.
Words: Nanny Ogg (as translated by: Alixandra Jordan )
Music: A Frog went a Courtin'
O, the wizard's staff had a knob on the end.
It does! It does!
O, the wizard's staff has a knob on the end.
It does!
O, the wizard's staff has a knob on the end
And the wizard's staff is the wizard's friend.
It is! It is!
O, the wizard's staff is long and hard.
It is! It is!
O, the wizard's staff is long and hard.
It is!
O, the wizard's staff is long and hard;
And the wizard plays with it in his yard.
He does! He does!
O, the wizard's staff proves he's a man.
It does! it does!
O, the wizard's staff proves he's a man.
It does!
O, the wizard's staff proves he's a man.
he gripes it firmly in his hand.
he does! He does!
wizard staff magic is all hand play.
I see! I see!
Wizard staff magic is all hand play.
I see!
Wizard staff magic is all hand play.
he works it first this; and then thataway.
I see!
Wizard staff magic works up a sweat.
It does! it does!
Wizard staff magic works up a sweat.
It does!
Wizard staff magic works up a sweat.
It's potent magic, you can bet.
It is! It is!
The staff goes in and then goes out!
In! Out! In! Out!
The staff goes in and then goes out!
In! Out!
The staff goes in and then goes out.
Tighten the hand and start to shout!
In! Out! In! Out!
O, the wizard's staff has a knob on the end.
I know! I know!
O, the wizard's staff has a know on the end.
I know!
O, the wizard's staff has a knob on the end.
It's long, and wooden and tends to bend.
I know! I know!
O, the Archchancellor's staff is longest of all.
He claims! He claims!
O, the Archchancellor's staff is longest of all.
He claims!
O, the Archchancellor's staff is longest of all.
When he takes a shower, his staff's in the hall!
he claims! He claims!
The Archchancellor's staff goes 'round and 'round.
Around! Around!
The Archchancellor's staff goes 'round and 'round.
Around!
The Archchancellor's staff goes 'round and 'round.
That's why wizards don't teach while sitting down.
Sci down! Sit Down!
The wizard's staff! Long may it wave!
Back 'n' forth! Back 'n' forth!
The wizard's staff! Long may it wave!
Back 'n' forth!
The wizard's staff! Long may it wave!
he'll carry it proudly to his grave!
He will! He Will!
O, the wizard's staff has enormous reach. - 1
Yards long! Yards long!
O, the wizard's staff has enormous reach.
Yards long!
O, the wizard's staff has enormous reach
It searches for a bottom like a peach.
A peach! A peach!
O, the wizard's staff is fond of nuts.
In trees! In trees!
o, the wizard's staff is fond of nuts.
In trees!
The wizard's staff is fond of nuts;
Hard and prickly and nice soft butts.
In the trees? In the trees?
But the wizard's staff is a maid's delight. - 2
Oh, no! Oh, no!
But the wizard's staff is a maid's delight.
Oh, no!
But the wizard's staff is a maid's delight.
For maidens and wizards come out at night.
Oh, yes! Oh, yes!
O, the wizard's staff staff rises to the call.
It does! it does!
O, the wizard's staff rises to the call it does.
O, the wizard's staff rises to the call,
When the maiden, she wear nothing at all.
It does! It does!
When a naked maiden takes a stand,
And she will! She will!
When a naked maiden takes a stand,
And she will!
When a naked maiden takes a stand.
The staff says: "To hell your your right hand."
It will! it will!
O, the staff goes in and then goes out. - 3
In! Out! In! Out!
O, the staff goes in and then goes out.
In! Out!
O, the staff goes in and then goes out
Spread things up and start to shout!
In! Out!
Well, the maiden's child has a wizard's staff.
I saw! I saw!
Well, the maiden's child has a wizard's staff,
I saw!
Well, the maiden's child has a wizard's staff
After all he's a real son-of-a-staff.
Poor thing! Poor thing!
O, the wizard's staff has a knob on the end. - 4
It does! It does!
O, the wizard's staff has a knob on the end.
It does!
O, the wizard's staff has a knob on the end.
And the wizard's staff is the wizard's friend.
It is! It is!
Footnotes:
1 - The next two verses are said to have been made up at the Ankh Morpork Heroes Gym and Public Baths during a meeting of the Leather Posing Pouch Society. This is denied by the heroes, who want to continue life in their current form ( and species). It is back up by the proven fact that heroes usually spell their names with an X; and usually get the spelling wrong. And besides why would they want to slander a bunch of old men in long red dresses trimmed with lace. Wizard's counter with that not stopping anyone because any stupid nit can hire a scribe and who need to write words down for a song anyway. And what really goes on down at the Gym since everyone knows that heroes don't bathe, so where do they get off calling it a public bath anyway?
2 - The rest of the verses were written by th first year students of Unseen University; who weren't in a position to know any better; at least not yet.
3 - no, this is not a repeat of a previous verse.
4 - yes, this is a repeat of a previous verse.
And a different version, found here:
Version Primus Dot The Absence of Things Alpha
by George Anketell.
(Chorus.)
A wizard's staff has a knob on the end, knob on the end, knob on the end
A wizard's staff has a knob on the ennndddd!
What he does with it is magic!
A wizard's staff has a knob on the end
And runes run up the shaft
It's long and proud and stiff and loud
It's the pride of wizardcraft.
(Chorus.)
A wizard's staff has a knob on the end
Some are made from thinking wood
With a sapient pair you'd be out to there
And you'd go blind, yes you would.
(Chorus.)
A wizard's staff has a knob on the end
That looks like a silver nut
If you start to bleat when he's taken your seat
He'll crack it up your butt.
(Chorus.)
A wizard's staff has a knob on the end
And the odd frog knows it's true
When your staff has a bend then the spell you send
Can fly right back at you.
(Chorus.)
(Under Construction)
A wizard's staff has a knob on the end
Most useful if they knew it
It's just that fem isn't magical to them
So they never ever do it.
(Chorus.)
(last verse maestro please)
A wizard's staff has a knob on the end
And you may think it's tragic
That no matter how strong or thick or long
All he can do with it is magic.
(Chorus.)